One of the reasons I decided to have a blog was so that I could openly share my struggles and that of other women who I know or come across as I live my life’s journey. One thing I always seek to do is be honest with myself and where I am in my journey.
One thing that I believe I have become very good at and I now pride myself on, is being self-aware; sometimes too self-aware. Recently I have began to really access and examine how I’m feeling in any give moment. I find that when I do that I am better able to take action without having an irrational reaction to my situation. During one of my self examinations I realised how much I really struggle with NOT knowing. I hate lack of communication from others which would greatly help with my anxiety, I hate not knowing how things are going to work out (although I’m confident they will), I simply just hate not knowing. I bet as you’re reading this you’re thing ‘gosh woman, what a control freak.’ There is probably an element of truth in that, however, for the most part I am totally fine and happy to not be in control in the doing as long as I know what is happening. I know, weird and possibly contradictory but that’s how I feel and it makes sense to me lol.
I’m being very vulnerable here and I’m sharing something that I probably would never admit, especially as Christian and that is deep down I lack faith. I know how to act like I have it and the relevant actions I need take to make it look like I have faith, but according to my own self assessment I don’t. The Bibles definition of faith in Hebrews 11 is true and as a Christian this is the ultimate truth of what faith is. I’m not sure if this is the same thing or if the two are connected, but in regards to uncertainty this quote by theologian, Richard Roar perfectly articulates what I am trying to say:
“My scientist friends have come up with things like principles of uncertainty and dark holes. They are willing to live inside imagined hypothesis and theories but many religious folks insist on answers that are always true. We love closure, resolution and clarity while thinking we are people of faith; how very strange that the word faith has come to mean its exact opposite.”
As I live this life, make mistakes, grow and learn, I know that I need to become confident in knowing that I don’t need to know everything right away. More importantly I can be confident in knowing that I have someone that is with me that knows all things and in that truth I can have total faith and certainty.
Leancia 🙂 x